This archive contains a collection of my flash stories self-published on the internet over the last couple of years.

• Silence of the Hams (first published 11/3/2006)

“...I remembered that I had killed and eaten them in a gluttonous drug-fuelled rampage a couple of weeks back.”

• Congratulations, You Killed Christmas (first published 24/12/2005)

“I sat in my rocking chair with a shotgun across my lap and my false teeth in a glass of solution by my side.”

• The Bard of Bauchery, part 3 (first published 12/11/2005)

The girl frowned. “What does ‘Bauchery’ mean?”
“It’s kind of like debauchery, only more chivalrous.”

• The Bard of Bauchery, part 2 (first published 29/10/2005)

“Johnny cast his most rarely used spell, Tree Huggin’ Hippy.”

• The Bard of Bauchery, part 1 (first published 11/10/2005)

“Take your toe out of my nose,” Johnny said.

• The Story of Short Sentences (first published 3/10/2005)

“...my toes fell off. I ate them. They gave me indigestion.”

• Growth Hormones, Win Thermos (first published 5/9/2005)

“Everyone I knew said I shouldn’t take growth hormones. They were evil cheating. Give you cancer. Your nuts will shrivel up and fall off. I heard all the excuses, but I wanted to win the three legged race more than anything.”

• Yodetta and the Distinctive Language Habit (first published 27/8/2005)

“...all the other witnesses had told vague stories about glowing swords, security guards choking and staff vaguely doing whatever the robbers told them.”

• Etch-a-sketch: No Hands (first published 4/8/2005)

“...how they get this Etch-a-sketch to work with the knobs all broken I’ll never know.”

• Darn (first published 9/7/2005)

“Why would I want to be sarcastic? She is the best darn darner.”

• The Narcissistic Snail (first published 23/6/2005)

“In snail terms, ‘narcissist’ means ‘a trail leaver of magnificent proportion’.”

• Mr Ted (first published 7/6/2005)

“Sometimes Mr Ted made me touch myself in places while I was in the bath, even though Mummy screamed and told me to stop that stop that stop.”

• I Am Art (first published 27/5/2005)

“...I take open minds and castrate them. I take closed minds and make bent forks of them.”

• Nuds (first published 9/5/2005)

“He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out the machete and blood-red bandana he kept in there.”

• A Meal from the Restaurant at the End of Sanity (first published 19/4/2005)

“There’re maggots made of matchsticks crawling out of my ears.”

• Old Red (first published 30/3/2005)

“Sometimes when my classroom teacher is giving me a hard time, I talk to Old Red and he convinces me not to kill her.”

• The Gardener (first published 20/3/2005)

“...in the summer straw of the blessfully vacant stable, the Lady showed Gardner that field.”

• King Dom Cum (first published 4/3/2005)

“The monkey became agitated and urinated on my foot, at which point I took out my Glock 17 and blew that monkey into the next laugh line.”

• Prince Chuck (first published 19/2/2005)

“Bowls hey? Is that lawn bowls or that hideous ten pin sort?”
“No, no. Her name is Bowles.”

• The Commode (first published 26/1/2005)

“Some people have expressed disbelief when I tell them that Dad took a shit in front of us, but how else do you show someone how to use a commode?”

• Which Planet Would It Be? (first published 22/11/2004)

“I wouldn’t go to Saturn because there are no bars there, just icy rings.”

• The Cracks (first published 18/11/2004)

...I started walking on the cracks. And then I thought, “Fuck, walking on all the cracks is as compulsive as not walking on them”.

• Xavier the Failure (first published 23/10/2004)

“Xavier found Saint Peter and the Devil playing poker in a dark corner of the take-away. They wouldn’t let him join in.”