Johnny, still exhausted from defeating Picklebum the Hindu warrior and his clan of thugs, dumped his feet on the table at the Vermillion Rose.
A topless barmaid strode over. “What’ll it be?”
One of her droopy breasts flapped into Johnny’s face. He carefully peeled it away. “I’m sorry, I prefer not to be served by trolls.”
The barmaid shrugged, and a more eye-candyish half-human half-giraffe waitress sauntered over.
“I’d like to order...” Johnny had been about to order food, but hastily changed his mind when he noticed Gob Beldof enter the bar. “...a five gallon beer and two toothpicks.”
“Be right back,” the barmaid said and walked away, ducking to avoid the roof beams.
Johnny heard a familiar roar of hatred from across the room, and knew that Gob Beldof had spotted him. “Luck’s with me tonight,” Gob cried. “Here he is served up on a plate, the bloody Bard of Boobialla.”
“Boobialla?” Johnny said. “What does boobialla mean?”
Beldof put a finger to his lip. “Ah, it’s a terrible, terrible curse.”
“You don’t know what it means, do you?”
“Bah.” Gob Beldof drew an intricately curved blade with more arcs and jagged edges than a female man-roach’s vagina. “I’ll be cutting meself a new pair of family jewels tonight.”
Johnny stood, knocking his chair behind him. “I’d love to discuss jewellery with you, Beldof, but I’m resting from a fight with the Hindu warrior.”
“You traitorous scumlicker. I’ll have you anyway.”
Beldof charged. At that moment the waitress set down the bucket of ale and toothpicks.
Johnny heaved the ale at Beldof, momentarily stunning him. Then the Bard stuck the two toothpicks into each one of Beldof’s bulging biceps.
Beldof looked at each of the toothpicks stuck in his arms. “You stupid pindick. What did you think that would do?”
“Oh, nothing,” Johnny said. He cast his most rarely used spell, Tree Huggin’ Hippy.
The toothpicks expanded and shot through the floor. Two immense trees took root and exploded through the roof.
Beldof was stuck fast, caught in between the magically grown trees. “Bard, I’ll cut off your nuts and feed them to the fairy fish of Swallowschlong Lake for this.”
Johnny hoisted his pack and walked out of the bar, leaving Beldof to scream and curse.