We’re always warned about the dangers to health, relationships and general wellbeing that the over-consumption of alcohol can pose. These warnings all conveniently ignore the biggest issue surrounding alcohol.
The biggest problem with alcohol is that one night when you’re really pissed, aliens will come and sodomise you.
Why are you unlikely to have heard of this problem before? Unfortunately, the only time you can think about an Alien Rear-End Sodomy Event (or ARSE to anyone who is somehow acronym starved) is when you’re already inebriated. By then of course it’s too late to do anything about it.
Was that a knock on the door? Don’t answer it. It’s only aliens come to sodomise you while you’re inebriated. Aliens always use the front door because other than the sodomy thing, aliens are very polite.
Aliens can’t even pronounce the word ‘inebriated’, yet they know when you’re drunk alright. They slide up real close and try to sexually arouse you because that makes it easier to extract the “genetic material” otherwise known as skin cells.
Aliens love alcohol, or rather, they love alcohol in the human bloodstream. If people were sober all the time, the aliens wouldn’t be able to sodomise anyone. We’d be able to fight them off using our latent telepathic powers, powers that alcohol suppresses faster than a Mexican pie-eating champion can perform CPR.
That’s why one of my friends who doesn’t drink alcohol is always the best at everything. He’s like the Mozart of classical music. He’s only so great because he’s tapped his latent telepathic powers. He can even press the space bar on his keyboard with either thumb. Have you ever tried to do that? No, because you’re probably drunk right now and that’s no way to fight off aliens.
I’d berate you if I weren’t drunk too. Someone once told me, “Let he who is not drunk cast the first sober stone”. I didn’t know what that phrase meant until now.
Whether it’s your ARSE or your arse that you’re putting on the line, think twice before you shotgun that next can of Jack Daniels and cola.