Everyone wants to capitalise on The Da Vinci Code, since it’s the first mystery/suspense/thriller in the history of literature to be a commercial success.
Here’s how to cash in on the phenomenon in 6 easy steps.
Step 1: Define a mysterious problem
Michael looked around the new office. “Has anybody unpacked the scissors?”
Beth and Tyler looked at each other.
“Nope. I haven’t unpacked them,” Tyler said. “Maybe Sam has.”
Sam looked up from his desk where he was one-hand web surfing and shook his head.
Michael rested his head on his chin. “So where are the scissors?”
Step 2: Introduce the dashing detective
“I’m sorry to get you all the way out here,” Michael said. “But we’ve lost our scissors.”
“That’s all right,” said Grubby Fingah, the world-renowned office supply detective. “A pair of lost scissors is a danger to themselves and to everyone else in the office.”
“My staff and I will do everything we can to assist your investigation.”
“Of course you will.” Grubby eyed Michael suspiciously.
Step 3: Hit rock bottom, and bounce
Grubby sat at the bar and downed his eighth whiskey. “I’ve interviewed all the staff and I’ve got no idea who did it. And to make matters worse, now the paperclips have gone missing too.”
Johnny Knob, the only other barfly there at the time, but who had a penchant for prodding Grubby in just the right way, said: “Sounds like you need a magnet.”
“A magnet?”
“You know, to pick up them paper clips.”
Step 4: Unmask the culprit (including obligatory pun)
Grubby pulled out the magnet. Michael and his staff looked bewildered as Grubby waved the magnet over their crotches.
When Grubby got to Tyler, the pockets stretched out to meet the magnet.
“Aha!” Grubby said. “Here’s your man.”
Looking sheepish, Tyler emptied the paperclips out of his pockets. “Damn you Grubby Fingah.” The scissors were in Tyler’s back pocket.
“Why did you lie to me Tyler?” Michael said. “When I asked if anybody had unpacked the scissors, you said you didn’t know.”
“I didn’t lie. I never packed them, just put them in my back pocket when we moved offices.”
Grubby patted himself on the back. “Another open and cut case.”
They all laughed.
Step 5: Obligatory sex scene
“Beth,” Grubby said. “How about it?”
“Okay.”
Step 6: Catchy title
Now that the writing is done, all that remains is the catchy title. The title shouldn’t give away too much of the plot. For the above work, I have settled on: “The Scissors in Tyler’s Back Pocket”.
That’s all there is to it. Hang on, you say. Surely there’s more to it than that? What about research, plotting, character biographies, studying human nature? Nope—you now know everything you need to know.
You can trust me. I’m on the internet.